It was a week or two after my birthday last year. I was driving back to Pirie to play footy. The night before we had been at a friends and Kate was strangely tired and scatterbrained. A couple of Kate's friends jokingly commented that she had pregnancy brain.
I hadn't given any of it another thought so when my phone rang that morning I had no idea that Kate had taken what they said on board. She had gone to the chemist first thing in the morning to get a pregnancy test and sure enough, they were right! She was pregnant!
We were both super excited. It was something we had both talked about and wanted since before we were married. I was so happy I nearly turned the car around to go home and celebrate with Kate, footy was the last thing on my mind!
After a little thought we decided that anything out of the ordinary would require an explanation and we weren't ready to tell anyone just yet so I continued to Pirie to play. Business as usual.
Kate had a blood test to confirm the pregnancy that day and over the next few weeks her symptoms of fatigue, tender breasts, being overly emotional and unusually clumsy continued to increase.
We did a lot of reading and looked for baby names that we both liked (we still can't agree on any) and were just generally excited.
Then our first crack appeared...
Kate started spotting. We went to the hospital almost immediately to see what was going on. We had a scan and everything was fine, we had a little baby and one of the most incredible feelings of my life was seeing that little heartbeat.
The doctor asked if there was any family history of genetic conditions that might be relevant just in case. Kate's mum passed on a letter that detailed an extensive family history of what is known as a balanced translocation and it explained that Kate had unfortunately inherited it also. We later saw a genetic specialist who explained to us what this meant. Basically it has no effect on Kate's life but it can effect her eggs and leads to an increased chance of miscarriage.
As Kate is rhesus negative and I am rhesus positive, any bleeding requires an Anti-D injection which basically stops her body's immune system attacking any rhesus positive blood cells in her circulation which the baby could have from me. The anti-D didn't seem to be a big deal and the pregnancy was very real from that point but unfortunately the seed of doubt had also been sown.
While I was quite positive and hopeful, Kate certainly felt a lot more cautious. About a week on and she started to feel her symptoms lessening which really worried her, but again I tried to remain positive. We looked at many stories on the internet of women who had a little bit of spotting or a day or two of lowered symptoms but went on to have a successful pregnancy. As the days went on however, Kate's symptoms didn't return.
It was coming up to our 8 week scan to make sure everything was going well and Kate was so sure something was wrong she brought it forward a day or two.
We went in, both feeling quite scared.
When it finally came time for the scan I still felt like we would see the baby having grown, heartbeat strong. That was not the case with the tummy scan, a wave of terror came over me and I know Kate felt it too. The doctor said they would need to do an internal scan so we went ahead. My eyes were fixed on the screen, but the longer it went on the more my heart sank. I was darting back and forward from Kate to the screen and she was starting to look visibly upset, she knew. Then the doctor finally said he couldn't find the heartbeat and that it looked like the baby had stopped developing after 6 weeks and 5 days.
I have to be honest. This is not our ultrasound but is just to give you an idea.
Kate began sobbing, I was maybe in a bit of shock and feeling quite dejected. The doctor and nurse left the room and we just hugged each other. I was struck with a sense of duty that I needed to be strong and allow Kate to grieve fully. I'm not sure if the sense of loss has ever really hit me, it certainly didn't hit me as much as it hit Kate. Almost immediately I was optimistic that our time may not be now, but it would be soon.
It was a hard thing for me to grasp, I'm not sure I felt that much sadness, at least not immediately. I had to keep things together and figure out with the doctor what to do next. I was quite annoyed with the way he handled it to be honest.
I was thinking he would be well experienced in this situation and was expecting him to be very comforting and reassuring for us. I felt as though what he offered was more like pity than empathy and didn't seem helpful in dealing with the emotional side of it. I even remember thinking – surely this isn't the first time he's seen a miscarriage – because he acted a bit like it was.
He gave us our options. For anyone who's ever been through a miscarriage you'll know there are pretty much only 3 options and that was what we were given.
Option 1. A D&C (Dilation and Cutterage). A surgery to remove the fetus and any other tissue in the womb. It is the quickest and most painless solution but has a risk of scarring the womb which would make future pregnancies more risky.
Option 2. Medication. Essentially the abortion pill. It puts you into labor and helps you miscarry. This is generally done in the hospital but can be done at home if the pregnancy is not very far along. It speeds up the process but you still go through the painful contractions (which they can give you more medication for) and it is not guaranteed to work.
Option 3. Natural. You go home and wait for the process to complete naturally. It takes the longest and is probably the most painful but is obviously the least invasive. The other risk with this (and the medication if done at home) is that if you don't pass all of the tissue (and without another scan you can't know) it can lead to infection.
Anyone who knows me will know I wanted nothing to do with the surgery or the medication, however it obviously was not my decision to make. I suggested to Kate we try the natural method first and she agreed that it was the best option for now.
We left the hospital feeling completely numb, at least I was. I think Kate was already in deep sadness. Grieving the baby we could have had. For me it was less visceral. I never had contact, it was never a reality, only a hope, a dream that one day soon we would have a child. For Kate she already turned her world upside down, paying attention to what she ate and drank. Being mindful of this thing growing inside her.
I can't remember what we did that night, there's a very good chance we had a bottle of wine between the two of us to help get through the emotion of it all (not the best choice but the one we made nonetheless), but really I have no memory at all.
The next morning I thought I'd still go to work, I felt exhausted even though I'd got my usual sleep but because I wasn't overcome with grief to the point I was no longer functional and Kate was ok with it I decided to go. I would come home as soon as I was finished with my morning clients to be with Kate and head back again for the afternoon.
After we had received the bad news, we had passed that on to the few people who knew Kate was pregnant. One of those few had heard that I had gone in to work and sent me some words of advice to the effect that I didn't need to be back at work so soon and to take the time if I needed it. It wasn't until I got home to Kate that I decided I didn't want to leave her alone again that day so I cancelled the afternoon sessions and spent the rest of the day with Kate.
We talked about how each of us was feeling and tried to process it all. We still of course had to get through the major hurdle of the actual physical miscarriage. I repeated the same pattern on Thursday, work in the morning, home to Kate ASAP and then decided I couldn't leave her again so cancelled the afternoon.
Over the next few days we noticed quite a few interesting things.
Miscarriages and other fertility issues are far more common than we ever thought.
There is very little support or public spotlight on those issues despite how common they are.
It is almost impossible for a woman not to blame herself.
Under that much emotional stress, junk food becomes very hard to resist.
A natural miscarriage can be a truly horrible experience.
The last point was the most difficult immediate issue. I feel like I let Kate down a little in that time. I was feeling exhausted and trying to continue working, I'm sure Kate was feeling the same but I would try and get as much sleep as I could each night while Kate was feeling the worst symptoms. I would wake up to her in tears for how much pain she was in. I really didn't know what to do. I would comfort her as long as I could keep my eyes open but I know I missed a lot of her physical and emotional pain in those night time hours.
This lasted 2 or 3 nights until Kate couldn't put up with it any longer. She decided to have the surgery done and get it over with and I had no hesitation in agreeing with her. I knew it was now the best option.
To be honest the whole timeline is a blur but my memory is that after Kate's second painful night we booked in the surgery ASAP which wasn't until the next day. So we went through another night before getting some relief from the whole experience.
I think it was a Wednesday, a little over a week after we first found out about the miscarriage. I worked the morning and came home, Kate's surgery was scheduled for mid-late afternoon. We headed in to the hospital, Kate feeling super nervous and me trying to reassure her that after this we could get back to some sort of normality.
Once Kate was checked in and prepared for her surgery all we had to do was wait. We talked, or just held hands. I have no idea what we talked about, just killing time, distracting ourselves.
Then it was time. The nurse came to get Kate and we headed toward the surgery. Kate was obviously scared, she was starting to cry. I was holding her hand, telling her it would be ok. It was only a short walk and I wasn't allowed to go past the doors. It was time for me to go but I don't think either of us wanted to let go. I knew I had to be the one to let go so I let Kate know she would be ok, I would be back to pick her up and gave her a kiss.
The nurse guided her through the door as I waved goodbye. It was one of the hardest parts of the whole experience. Then I went back to work...
I got back to the hospital as quick as I could. Kate's surgery was finished and she was very eager to see me although she was a bit out of it. I thought I could just pick her up and we could finally leave the hospital behind but they made us wait another hour or so before Kate was cleared to leave.
It was such a relief to be home with the worst behind us.
Another benefit of doing the surgery was being able to take the tissue they had removed and test it for possible causes of miscarriage. With the translocation we both wanted to know if that had anything to do with it.
Over that week between finding out about the miscarriage and getting the surgery I was supposed to play a footy final. We had both decided I would miss the game to be by Kate's side over that weekend. The weekend after we had another final in Pt Augusta and while we were still dealing with the emotional side of it, Kate was in a good enough place by this point that I could head up for the day. We lost, which meant our season was over.
Coincidentally as we were going through all this my brother's wife was heavily pregnant. On the morning of the final in Pt Augusta she went into labour and went to the Pirie hospital so straight after the game that's where I headed. The soon-to-be grandparents were all in the waiting room, while my brother was in the delivery room. I waited for an hour or so but as there was obviously no way to know when the baby would be born and with Kate waiting for me at home I decided to head back to Adelaide.
Once I got home I got word that I had a new nephew! Little Max. It was a strange feeling. There was so much joy for my brother and sister-in-law and our whole family really mixed with the sadness of our loss and the confronting realisation of what we were missing out on. It was much harder for Kate. She didn't have that visceral genetic connection and it just made her feel more broken. I visited the following weekend to meet Max for the first time and it was quite incredible. It only made me want the feeling my brother now had even more. Kate couldn't bring herself to come with me.
While our routine returned to normal in the following days, after the surgery it takes a while for a womans body and cycle to get back to normal. We were told we should avoid getting pregnant again until Kate had had 2 periods post surgery. Kate is usually very regular but this was obviously a massive strain on her body so her first period afterwards was so light she wasn't even sure if that was it. We weren't really in the best frame to be having sex in those first 2 months anyway.
A couple weeks later we headed back to the doctor to make sure everything was back to normal and also to find out about the test but unfortunately there was not enough tissue to get any result and we were left to wonder what went wrong. We will never know.
Kate's birthday happened to fall during the worst of it so I made a real effort to organise a celebration a week or so later although it was a pretty low key but we were back to having some small enjoyment. It was a little step forward.
This is part 1 of a 4 part series about my (and Kate's) experience of miscarriage. (Go to Part 2). I hope that with this series it shines a bit more light on a very natural part of life that for some reason we largely keep hidden. I am sharing as much as possible, the physical and emotional side of it because I don't want people to feel as lost as we did and I want everyone to understand what it means for someone to go through a miscarriage so you can support those close to you if they ever happen to go through it.
