For the third and hopefully final miscarriage, I need to go over a bit of the back story...
I am one who likes to get philosophical and trusts in the power of belief.
In March I had signed up to do a personal development and marketing course in Sydney. It ended up costing me over $3000 after flights and that was with staying with friends.
Kate was really not happy about me spending the money, especially as we were starting to think about the possibility of doing IVF. But I knew it was something I had to do. To become the person and leader I want to be I need to invest in myself.
On the plane to Sydney
After the first day of the course we kicked back with a few drinks and had the chance to chat to the guy running it. I really wanted to ask him how to get Kate on board with the personal development stuff. She's much more of a “get on with it” personality and doesn't necessarily see the value in spending money on informal study.
I did not expect the conversation to end with me in tears...
What he suggested was that Kate needed me to show her that I was doing something with it, that I was taking responsibility of my business and my actions and making it work.
I still don't remember how we ended up here but he went on to say the reason we were having trouble having a child was that I was not stepping up as the provider to take care of our family financially while Kate stopped working.
That definitely touched something I didn't know was there.
My take was that he was implying on a subconscious level, Kate believing we wouldn't have the money to raise a family on my income was enough of a stress to cause the miscarriages. It was my fault. I broke down.
Maybe it's complete bullshit but I can't help but feel there are things that go on deep in our bodies and minds that are hard to make sense of on a logical level. The power of belief. This was one of those experiences. If Kate believed we were unable to afford a child, even on a subconscious level, it could trigger a stress response in the body. The more she is concerned about it, the higher the level of stress.
Kate thought it was ridiculous. The miscarriages happened because of a genetic defect. The second one was proven as such.
Maybe it seems a bit too far out. But the way I see it, if the nervous system perceives a threat or danger – whether that comes from a real threat like a famine or a predator, or a perceived threat such as a lack of money or the idea that you are broken – it reacts the same way. The body gets into fight or flight mode or the sympathetic nervous system and takes blood away from the organs, including the womb, and sends it to the legs.
The body has a lot of wisdom, in the past if the mother was in a constant state of stress it would indicate the environment was unfit to bring a child into. Depending on how far along the pregnancy was and how many resources had already been invested into developing the baby the pregnancy could be delayed (as in the baby comes late) or miscarried.
Today that constant state of stress can be due to any number of things but if the woman perceives consciously or subconsciously that the environment is unfit for her baby, that has to have an impact.
Maybe it's hippy nonsense but that's just the way I think. Maybe it isn't. I truly believe that everything influences everything. I also highly recommend The Biology of Belief by biologist Bruce Lipton to learn more about epigenetics and how proteins respond to signals (which include thoughts and beliefs influencing the genes).
This all flashed through my mind in that conversation. I felt a sense of clarity. Once I had come to terms with my role in the miscarriages, I felt optimistic. There was something I could do to allow us to have a baby. I could be the provider, I could take full responsibility of our income so when it was time for Kate to stop working, we wouldn't have to worry about money.
Instead of waiting, hoping, praying that it would work out, I could be doing something.
After Kate had put all the blame on herself all this time I was happy to take some of that responsibility.
If Kate believed we could afford to raise a family, her whole system could relax and focus on making the baby.
I left feeling super energised and I texted Kate on my way home to say it was my turn to take responsibility for bringing in the money, to step up. We may very well have conceived that night.
Two to three weeks later we found out we were pregnant for the 3rd time in 8 months. Even after the first miscarriage, finding out you're pregnant again doesn't bring out quite the same excitement or joy. It's still obviously amazing but with a whole heap of trepidation mixed in. What if it happens again?
Kate tends to worry anyway and I think the first miscarriage confirmed to her that she couldn't do it, which made her worry constantly during the second one.
For the second and third pregnancies, every night I got home I would ask if Kate's symptoms were still there, if she had had any spotting. Kate would check constantly, maybe ten times or more a day. Any feeling of wetness would cause immediate fear.
I tried to look at all the positives, I would talk to it and encourage Kate to do the same. Plan for the future. Kate could only take one day at a time. She feels emotions so intensely that she couldn't bear to get too attached as the thought that it would be for nothing sat in the back of her mind like a dark cloud.
She was waiting for something to go wrong. Almost like she felt she didn't deserve it or something.
This really frustrated and upset me, especially with my beliefs around the way you think impacting your results. I wanted Kate to believe she deserved it more than anything, to know that she was born to be a mother, to trust in her body to achieve that miracle. I knew I couldn't make her believe it.
So when we lost the second pregnancy, it added evidence to Kate's beliefs of herself and her body.
However going into the third pregnancy, I had more of a sense of responsibility and control. I had already decided to increase my prices and started pushing for more clients. I could at least have her believe we would be ok financially. I could make a difference.
The third one never really got going though, Kate would use a home pregnancy test every few days because she wanted to see that second line get stronger. It did but not as much as it had for the previous two.
What our bathroom looked like
The hormones in the blood test weren't quite as high as they would expect although not low enough to worry at that point. Kate's symptoms didn't ever get to a point that she was comfortable with.
I tried to convince myself that anything different from the first two could be a good thing.
Just before Easter we ended up in hospital again with Kate spotting. This time we went through the public system at Flinders. Although we didn't have to worry about cost, it was all about time. I ended up having to move the car twice because of the 2 hour parking limit and the amount of time it takes to get everything done.
I by no means am complaining, it was just a massive drain of energy and a bit of a shock coming from the private system.
After we were seen to and Kate had an ultrasound it was decided by the doctor that everything looked reasonable enough but we would just have to wait and see how it progressed over the next couple weeks. It was far too early to tell.
Kate doesn't really do waiting... I took it as good news but it was probably more about hope than belief. Kate had lost hope by that point, she could feel what was going on wasn't right.
I tried to reason with her that she might not know what it feels like or it might just be different, but I think I was just trying to convince myself.
Over Easter we caught up with my family and our nephew. We nearly didn't go but we agreed that we would do a day trip to limit the time we were away from home and the hospital, just in case.
It was the first time Kate held Max, he must have been 7 months old. I was very proud, I saw that as real progress for Kate's mental wellbeing.
There was still the current situation and fear hovering over us so it was difficult to really engage in any meaningful interaction.
For the next week we just took one day at a time, every day checking for blood, checking in with symptoms. It was Anzac Day eve when the bleeding started again, we decided we'd go in to the hospital the next day. We ended up being there for about 7 or 8 hours. That was torture in itself but we eventually found out we had lost this one as well. We were only 5 weeks in.
We had really already resigned ourselves to that before we got the news and we were better again at accepting the loss. I feel like the earlier you miscarry the easier it can be, especially after the first.
This time we went for the medication. I think Kate was turned off of trying the natural way from the first time and if she kept having the surgery it increases the risk of scarring the womb. We chose to take the medication at home rather than the hospital so the doctor wrote us a script and sent us home.
It became, to this point, our final challenge.
Kate wanted to start the meds first thing the next day so we went straight to the chemist to fill the script. They didn't have it available and said we would struggle to find anywhere that stocked it. We tried another four pharmacies with no success.
Kate became desperate. It was the opposite of what we needed. It was getting towards 8pm and we had been at the hospital from about 11am.
We reasoned that if we had the option to stay at the hospital and take it, they would have the medication available. We finally got through to someone who was willing to help us and we went back to the hospital and picked it up.
Kate had the next two days off work and started on the meds on the morning after Anzac Day. Her bleeding actually slowed down and nothing really happened. She took the second and final course after giving the first course enough time to show it wasn't working but again nothing happened. After everything we had been through, Kate started to feel she couldn't even miscarry properly.
After going to work on the Friday, Kate passed what she thought was just a small clot. Unless she had passed it in the two days prior, that must have been it. It was a lot milder than the first experience. Kate started to worry “Does that mean I just flushed it down the toilet?” All I could say was it is what it is.
There is always a risk that not all of the tissue is removed from the womb and the woman can develop an infection. So we waited a little while for any more bleeding just in case she hadn't completed the miscarriage. After a few days we went back to the hospital again to have it confirmed which it was. It was all over.
Kate was a lot stronger this time (apart from the mini breakdown over the meds) and didn't need as much support. I think because Kate's needs weren't as high this time I let myself go a bit more, plus feeling a little more responsible as well as maybe starting to lose some hope meant I took longer to get back to being “me”.
I lost a lot of the passion for my business and didn't spend any time at all on trying to get new business for a month or so, which I have struggled with at the best of times.
I didn't take nearly as much care with my health as I usually do. Too much alcohol. Bread and sugar came back into my diet for the first time in a long time. My training suffered. All of that only made me feel less motivated, less energetic and less happy.
Kate was genuinely worried at the time that I could have been slipping into depression. It was a bit of a shock and a wake up call for me to hear that. Although I always knew it would pass and I would eventually get my mojo back, it took longer than either of us expected.
My mojo came back as I started reaffirming my beliefs. As a man who believes passionately that most of life's problems can be solved by being optimally healthy, I wanted to leave no stone unturned to fulfill our dream of becoming parents.
We could eat better, sleep better, move better, think better, even have better sex.
Of course there's always a chance that you can do everything 100% right and still not get the desired result, that's life, but if it increases our chances from 60% to 60.1% then I want to do it.
I mentioned something similar earlier but I do believe there are forces beyond our perception that play a huge role in every part of our lives, not just health or pregnancy.
Our bodies hold onto trauma not dealt with, hold onto emotions that have been avoided, our conscious and subconscious beliefs shape our reality. We have needs we're not even aware of that are met in ways we don't understand. Our thoughts about ourselves, others and the world are reflected in what we experience, whether those thoughts are true or not.
This is why I'm interested in more than just physical health.
However we do live in a physical world and I understand many people find it hard to understand past this. Regardless, movement and nutrition are still absolute fundamentals for all health.
Personally my movement is pretty good (It should be!) as is my nutrition most of the time. Kate's nutrition is close to mine but her movement is poor which kills me as a trainer. It has been a constant work in progress since we met.
After the second miscarriage we really tried to tick off those boxes, I got Kate into yoga but it was sporadic and we booked in with a naturopath who specialised in fertility to get our nutrition and other lifestyle factors dialled in.
We were given a list of blood tests to get and booked in a follow up appointment. Soon after we found out we were pregnant for the third time so pushed back the appointment and the tests. Then the miscarriage had us push it back further.
We finally had the tests done. We also had my semen and Kate's eggs analysed. Kate's eggs came back all positive however my results were a little underwhelming. That certainly puts a dent in the ego and cuts at your masculinity a bit.
I was hoping that it was a case of being too soon after my last ejaculation which was less than 48 hours earlier than my “test sample” (they say to give it at least 3 days) but I still thought it would be healthier.
It helps knowing we'd been pregnant three times by then, but what if at least two of those miscarriages were directly from the lack of quality sperm? It also brought up some fear about whether the issues I had had with my testes as a teenager, which ended with me having one removed in my early twenties, have impacted my sperm quality.
Even at that age I wanted to know only one thing, would it affect my ability to have kids? I was assured it wouldn't but now I have to wonder. I also wonder how much the poor diet and lifestyle post miscarriages affected it.
Ever positive though it does do one thing. It gives me the motivation to improve it, it shows me there's more I can do to boost the chances for us!
When we went back to see her she recommended we eat more alkaline foods, gave us a heap of supplements (which I was a little disappointed about, I always prefer real food, but I also thought we had to give this a shot!) and heaps of info about fertility.
All the supplements recommended by the naturopath and some of the info that I've stuck to the fridge as a reminder.
That's where we're currently at.
Slowly adding the recommendations in to our lifestyle. Constantly trying to get Kate and myself moving more (we may have finally come up with a solution for Kate) and me trying to increase my business so when the time comes, Kate can go on leave without that worry.
I have been thinking more about that last element recently. Belief.
I feel as much as it's important for me to build that income, it's also important for Kate to believe we'll be ok. I want to work with her to build the belief that it is her birthright to be a mother, that the fertilised egg will be 100% genetically healthy, build complete trust in her body to beautifully perform that natural phenomenon.
I want her to believe with every cell in her body, that the next one will be the one.
I want to build the belief in myself as a business owner and the provider for our family.
This is our next big step.
This is part 3 of a 4 part series about my (and Kate's) experience of miscarriage. (Go to Part 1, Part 2 or Part 4). I hope that with this series it shines a bit more light on a very natural part of life that for some reason we largely keep hidden. I am sharing as much as possible, the physical and emotional side of it because I don't want people to feel as lost as we did and I want everyone to understand what it means for someone to go through a miscarriage so you can support those close to you if they ever happen to go through it.
